(theme music playing)
Welcome, welcome, welcome to Last Week Tonight.
Thank you so much for joining us.
I'm John Oliver. Just time for a quick recap of the week.
And we begin in the United Kingdom,
America's deadbeat dad.
The UK held its election on Thursday,
and virtually every poll predicted the prime minister, David Cameron,
and his Conservative party would be unable to win a majority.
But in a dramatic twist,
it turned out that everyone was wrong.
Reporter: We are seeing the Conservatives are the largest party.
I think there really is quite a lot of shock
amongst a lot of people, when you think
the way the polls went in the run-up to the election.
Man: It's an even more dramatic result than we were predicting.
It's an outright win for the Conservatives.
Um... total shock, really,
from where we started in the evening.
To be fair,
that is about as emotional as a British newsreader
is capable of being.
The American equivalent of what you just saw
would be Wolf Blitzer stripping naked
and setting fire to his own beard.
But in fact, this result was such a surprise
that when the exit polls were first announced,
the former head of the Liberal Democrats, Lord Paddy Ashdown,
didn't quite believe it.
If this exit poll is right,
Andrew, I will publicly eat my hat on your program.
Now-- now, just so you know,
that's a little disingenuous, because this is his hat.
So the context is important. It looks delicious.
This election may well fundamentally change the UK forever,
because the Scottish National Party,
who last year came close to winning a referendum
on Scottish independence,
won almost every seat in Scotland,
leading many to speculate about what comes next.
The strong showing by the Scottish National Party,
the SNP, could fuel a fresh push for Scottish independence.
Again?
We have to beg to keep Scotland again?
Don't-- don't make me bring out the unicorn, Scotland.
I can't do it. We killed it.
We killed it and we ate it.
Not because we were hungry, not because we were curious,
we just did it.
Now, you might assume that England would take this threat seriously.
But if you want the purest distillation of English arrogance
when it comes to Scotland's importance,
then consider this-- a 20-year-old woman
had just defeated the shadow foreign secretary
and she was talking about the importance of Scotland's voice being heard.
And this is how the BBC reacted.
The people of Scotland are speaking
and it is time for their voice to be heard at Westminster.
Reporter: We'll come-- we'll come back in a moment
to Paisley and Renfrewshire--
"Sure, we could hear Scotland's voice,
"which to my ear, sounds a bit like a potbellied pig
"running a triathlon,
"or-- or we could listen to literally anything else.
"Besides, rumor has it, a dusty old man
"is about to come on television and eat a hat.
So that's unmissable."
So let's move on.
Let's move on to the world of boxing.
Last Saturday, millions of people
watched an unrepentant domestic abuser named Floyd
repeatedly hit a Filipino congressman in the face.
Uh, it turned out many people were disappointed with the fight,
including one notable world leader, Hun Sen,
the prime minister of Cambodia.
Apparently, he's a massive Manny Pacquiao fan.
And he was pissed.
(speaking Khmer)
Translator: Let me talk about protesting with the referee
who judged the World Boxing Championship match yesterday.
I can't believe the American judges
are that poor-- really very poor.
That was not a one-off comment.
He devoted about 15 minutes of a speech
exclusively to the outcome of the fight.
Bear in mind, the Gettysburg Address
was three minutes long
and had little to no references to boxing in it.
And if you're wondering
why the Cambodian prime minister cares so much,
well, it turns out he had a $5,000 bet on Pacquiao,
and he wanted to make it clear
that he was not going to pay.
Hey, the 5,000 U.S. dollars you want
is not finalized yet.
It is not yet settled.
So I'm not going to pay yet.
I'm not paying yet because I need to find justice first.
Hold on.
That's not how gambling works.
You can't retroactively void your bet
because you didn't agree with the outcome.
Even the people who bet against the Patriots
aren't demanding their money back,
and that team was essentially tossing around
a floppy leather handbag.
And-- and it is-- it's a little difficult--
it's a little difficult to hear Hun Sen
lecture anyone about fair play for two reasons.
First, this is a man who, Human Rights Watch says,
has repeatedly used political violence,
repression and corruption to remain in power.
And secondly, if we're really talking fairness,
let me point out that this was him
trotting out onto the field
to take part in a not-at-all-staged soccer match
in which all his opponents tried desperately hard
to get him to score a goal, and it wasn't easy.
After that display,
you do not get to comment about officiating fairness,
or anything having to do with sports ever again.
You owe your people and that ball an apology.
But, finally-- finally this week,
Russia, where despite appearances to the contrary,
the cathedrals are not edible.
It was the 70th anniversary of VE Day this week,
when Allied forces formally defeated the Nazis,
and Russia went all-out to mark the occasion.
Reporter: Russia's biggest-ever Victory Day parade
to mark 70 years since the Nazi surrender.
16,000 servicemen,
nearly 200 units of hardware,
140 helicopters and planes.
Reporter #2: Cameras have been placed in every conceivable location,
embedded in the road... (announcer speaking Russian)
...and onboard some of the aircraft
taking part in a fly-past.
(Russian accent) "Yes, and we don't just have cameras there.
"We also have cameras on the horse foot.
"And even inside Putin mouth.
"Many cameras for you to enjoy.
Many cameras."
But-- but as triumphant--
as triumphant as the parade was,
you couldn't help feeling like there was something missing.
Female reporter: Today's parade was attended
by some 20 world leaders,
but President Vladimir Putin had invited more than 70.
Most Western leaders stayed away
in protest over Russia's actions in Ukraine.
Ouch.
Less than a third of invitees showed up.
And it actually got even sadder when you look
at Putin's outgoing texts halfway through the parade,
including, "Where U at?",
"U on UR way?",
and, "More of a gathering than a party,
but you should def swing by."
I mean, that's heartbreaking,
or it would be if Putin's heart
was not a potato filled with battery acid.
In fact, with so many Western leaders not turning up,
the parade attendees amounted to a who's who
of who Putin hasn't pissed off.
Reporter: Chinese president Xi Jinping
was the most prominent visitor.
Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, another willing guest.
Okay, well, get--
getting the Chinese president is pretty good.
But no one in the course of human history
has ever said, "Well, at least Mugabe came."
To be fair,
there was actually an American presence there
in the form of Steven Seagal.
And I would say it's the last place
that you'd expect to see Steven Seagal,
but that wouldn't be true,
because that place, of course, is a movie set.
Uh... I'm just saying,
he's the only action star who is literally too expendable
for The Expendables.
But despite all this spectacle,
this parade was not actually the most awe-inspiring thing
that Russia did to commemorate VE Day,
because there was another military tribute in Russia this week
that was simply breathtaking.
(both barking)
(reporter speaking Russian)
Translator: This is the way Laska and her friend
Winnie the Pooh salute their superiors,
as now they are not just seals,
but Baikal special forces--
waking up early, physical training,
and of course, shooting practice.
How was that not part of the parade in Red Square?
In fact, how was that not the only thing there?
There is frankly nothing that projects a country's greatness
like two heavily-armed seals in berets.
Bravo, Russia! Bravo.
And now this.
Announcer: And now, the continuing adventures
of the most patient man on television.
Michael, from just outside of Baltimore, in Owings Mills,
good morning.
Michael, you with us?
Michael (on phone): Fuck!
Okay, we'll move on to Al.
We apologize when callers get through,
and that kind of language is unacceptable.
Thanks for waiting. Good morning, with Dane Egli.
Man (on phone): Hey, Dane Egli.
Uh, I just wanted to know how big is your penis?
Okay, I apologize for that call.
Rocky is on the phone. Good morning.
Rocky (on phone): Hi, am I on?
You sure are. Go ahead.
Awesome. I just want to talk about
how I think that Russian... cock-- big cock.
Okay, let's go to Lore.
Man (on phone): I think the CEO of Bank of America
should be Howard Stern and Baba Booey.
Okay, we'll stop you there.
Man (on phone): They didn't give a shit--
Okay, I'm gonna stop you there.
Man (on phone): Homosexual clubs,
you know, like he was a guy who just loved to have a dildo
lubed up and shoved-- Okay, I'm gonna stop you at that point.
Man (on phone): But people are saying that he lost the game on TV
and also my balls.
We'll go to Tom next.
Moving on,
our main story tonight is Mother's Day.
It's the day we honor moms,
as opposed to every other day when we look at our phones
and go, "Yeah, not now."
Mother's Day is not just an opportunity
to do something for your mom,
it's an opportunity for businesses
to be the thing that you do for them.
Announcer: JC Penney believes Mom deserves
to get everything she wants.
The JC Penney Mother's Day Sale.
Announcer: Baskin-Robbins Mother's Day cake.
Pick one up today.
Announcer: For Mother's Day,
personalize your M&Ms on MyMMs.com.
Welcome to Hooters. Right this way.
Announcer: Moms rock. Bring yours to Hooters on Mother's Day
and she'll eat free.
Perfect.
What better way to honor the woman
who gave you life than taking her to Hooters?
"Mom, I just want to thank you
"for making me the man I am today--
"a man who takes his mother to a Hooters on Mother's Day.
"By the way, I don't have to pay for you,
so order me some wings."
Even America's national pastime
wants to publicly acknowledge mothers.
Hey, Mets fans. Come spend Mother's Day at City Field on Sunday, May 11.
Every mom in attendance is going to receive this Mets T-shirt.
Announcer: On Sunday, May 11th,
make sure your mom receives this Dodgers Mother's Day clutch.
Announcer: Celebrate Mother's Day with the home team.
The first 10,000 women get a Rays flower pot.
It's the perfect gift for the mom
who enjoys the three Bs,
baseball, botany,
and being disappointed with her Mother's Day gift.
In America, there is nothing we wouldn't do for moms,
apart from one major thing.
Reporter: According to the United Nations,
we and Papua New Guinea are the only countries in the world
that do not provide any paid time off for new mothers.
Just us and Papua New Guinea.
That's as unlikely a pairing
as Sofía Vergara and Reese Witherspoon.
Separately, great.
But if it's just the two of them with no one else,
it makes you feel like one of them has taken her eye off the ball.
Reese.
In-- in the US-- here in the US,
federal law grants workers
just 12 weeks of unpaid leave.
And there are some stark limits on that.
You have to work for a company with 50 or more employees.
You have to have been there for over a year.
You have to be a full-time salaried employee.
So if you're a freelancer, contractor, something like that,
it doesn't apply to you.
And what that means is that 40% of workers
are not covered by the federal law.
So if a worker with no paid leave goes into labor at work,
she better hope it's on her lunch hour
and that her coworkers don't mind if the break room gets a bit messy.
And this is not to say that women don't take leave.
They just have to get very creative about doing it.
What we have right now, women do take maternity leave.
It is oftentimes unpaid.
And it is through a patchwork system
where they use up their vacation time,
they use up their sick days.
One woman I talked to put her maternity leave,
essentially, on her credit cards.
Now, sure, that sounds bad,
but on the plus side, think of all the points she earned
towards vacation she can't now take
because she has a fucking baby.
This is not how it's supposed to work.
Mothers shouldn't have to stitch together time
to recover from childbirth
the same way that we plan four-day weekends in Atlantic City.
"I'll take a vacation day Thursday,
"call out sick Friday, hit the slots Saturday,
"win big Sunday, and I'll never go back, baby!
Whoo!"
And look-- and look--
there are women who want to get back to work
as soon as they can, and that's obviously fine.
But for many women, the current situation
forces them to return well before they want to,
like this new mother.
Right now I'm using the family medical leave
for my time.
It's not paid.
And it'll guarantee me my position back
only for 12 weeks.
I see myself probably, maybe, like,
a month.
That's--
I don't see myself taking longer than that.
I don't know how I could take longer than that.
So... probably like a month.
That is a woman
who deserves real gratitude
in the form of a Tampa Bay Rays flower pot,
just to help her and the baby.
And that's if your pregnancy goes according to plan.
If a baby is born prematurely, parents can be forced
to make some truly heart-wrenching choices,
like Selena Allen, whose baby was six weeks premature
and who knew that she could only afford
to take four weeks off in total.
Selena Allen: We decided the best thing we could do
is to spend the one month with Carr
when he was home with us.
I gave birth on a Wednesday.
And on Monday, I went back to work.
It was like a piece of me got left in that hospital,
and now I had to pretend that I'm okay.
Okay, that's terrible.
Although, I will say,
you have definitely got everyone's bullshit
"What I did over the weekend" story beat.
"Oh, oh, really, Carol?
"Skydiving? That's interesting.
"I dropped a baby from my innards
"and I was forced to leave it right there in the hospital
"for financial reasons. But go ahead,
"tell me what you had for brunch the next day.
"You had waffles?
You're incredible, Carol. That's a great fucking story."
And-- and, look,
I don't mean to suggest that this is an issue
that only mothers should have to think about.
Family leave should be thought of as an option for both parents,
which will take some cultural adjustment.
Look at Major League Baseball,
which offers all of three days off
to players who become fathers.
But when one of them, the Mets' Daniel Murphy,
actually took it, this happened.
Reporter: This week, sports radio skewered him
for missing the first two games of the season
for his son's birth.
You get your (beep) back to your team and you play baseball.
That's my take on it.
What-- there's nothing you can do anyway.
You're not breastfeeding the kid.
...always said, C-section before the season starts.
I need to be at opening day.
Oh!
Good luck selling that to your wife.
"Uh, listen, babe,
"I know I play 162 games in a season,
"but I can't miss a single one,
"so let's cut that thing out of your belly
"so I can wear my baggy pajamas
and swing a cone of wood to make a ball go far."
So why do we have this system in the United States?
Well, for a start, employers tend to fear any sort of mandate.
But when it comes to family leave,
any fears do tend to be overblown.
Look at the way that lawmakers discussed our current
12 weeks of unpaid leave system
back when it was proposed in 1993.
I want to make sure that all of you
who will vote for this have no illusions.
This bill will cost jobs.
Today, America's businesses are already saddled
with too many suffocating regulatory burdens.
Now is not the time
to shove restrictive federal mandates
down the throats of American businesses and American families.
This bill is unfair, anti-business,
anti-growth, invasive, deathly expensive...
"I say this to the House,
"if we allow new mothers to take time off work,
"businesses shall crumble, our cities shall burn,
"and hungry wolves shall roam our streets.
"I'm not anti-Mom, I'm anti-wolf!
"That's all I'm saying. No to wolves!
"No to the wolves!
Think about the wolves!"
Now that bill obviously passed,
and a 2012 survey found few work sites
reported negative effects of complying with the law.
So we thought the bill would kill us,
but instead we just got used to having it around,
like an irregular mole or a new step-dad.
"I don't know why I was so afraid of you, Gene.
You were fine."
Now, some people might argue,
"But-- but that was unpaid leave.
Paid leave is too onerous." But is it?
Because back in 2002, California passed a plan
providing six weeks of partially-paid leave
funded through a small payroll tax.
Essentially, it was an insurance plan
that would cost employers little to nothing.
But all the same fear-mongering took place,
and in the end, this happened.
Reporter: More than 90% of the companies there
reported either positive or, at worst, neutral effect.
Businesses seemed to just make it work.
And the polling data we have when we survey them,
most of them say it's just not a big deal.
Yeah, it seems paid maternity
is a bit like having hockey on in the background at a bar.
It's not hurting anyone
and a couple of people are actually really into it.
So, look, in California, it worked.
And yet only two other states have followed their lead.
And that may be because any legislation
that specifically seeks to support women
often faces vocal opposition.
In fact, Minnesota recently debated a bill
which expanded unpaid maternity leave
and provided other workplace protections for women,
which seemed like a slam-dunk.
After all, lawmakers love their mothers in Minnesota.
Just look at these videos they made.
Hi, Mom. Happy Mother's Day.
Whether it's one day or all year round,
frankly, we should be thanking our moms.
Happy Mother's Day to all mothers in Minnesota. And thank you.
Do I talk about my mom
or the mother of my children? I love them both.
She always said there's two sides to every story.
You need to know them both before you can be wise enough to know what to do.
Okay, just pump the brakes a bit,
because moms are like feet.
The more you talk about them in public,
the more everyone assumes you want to have sex with them.
So-- so just don't.
Still, it's-- it is--
it is-- don't think too much about that.
It is interesting that Representative Dan Hall's mother
taught him that there's two sides to every story.
Because you might like to know that he
and every other lawmaker you just saw
voted against that bill.
And you can't have it both ways.
You can't go on and on about how much you love mothers
and then fail to support legislation
that makes life easier for them.
In fact, until we-- (audience applauding)
Until we as a country do something to address this,
this should be the only message
that we're allowed to send on Mother's Day.
Narrator: Mothers.
We owe everything to them.
They gave birth to us. They nurtured us.
They made us who we are.
And this Mother's Day, we have just one thing to say
to all the mothers out there.
Get the fuck back to work.
Seriously, get back to work now.
Because unless you can personally afford
to take the time off you want, we're going to need you
to get your exhausted ass back to work
and show us that can-do attitude that moms are famous for.
We'd do anything for our moms,
up to, but not including,
paying them to stay home for a while
after pushing a human being out of their body.
But we do want to say, "Thank you."
And what better way to thank us for thanking you
than maybe turning up on time once in a while?
We appreciate you, moms.
That's why we're happy to allow you to bring
that weird doughnut cushion to work,
just so long as you promise not to tell us what it's for.
And if you need to find a place to pump breast milk,
well, no problem.
Either use the break room,
or even better, why not get some fresh air?
You'll be more comfortable out there.
It'll be like a picnic.
And, moms, you love picnics.
The important thing is that you come back to work
when you're ready, or when you're not ready,
or even when your placenta is still technically inside you.
Oopsie. Clean-up on aisle seven.
Look at you, super mom,
taking care of everyone.
Because remember, not only can you balance work and family,
you have to.
And that's why this Mother's Day,
we know you'll be grateful, moms,
because you understand that even though
183 other countries do more for you,
we do as much as we feel we can right now.
What we're saying is,
you deserve the very best, moms.
You're just not gonna get it.
Happy Mother's Day.
And finally tonight, let's talk about Japan,
a nation so vibrant, not even Sofia Coppola
and the band Air could make it boring.
Japan, like every country,
has struggled to engage its people
with government programs and services.
That's why they've come up with a quintessentially Japanese solution--
mascots.
Woman: These are mascot characters
created for local districts throughout Japan
to promote the areas.
Apparently, there are now over 1,500 such mascots.
1,500 mascots!
So if you're in Japan and you throw a rock,
you'll probably hit one.
And you'll know it when it happens
because you'll probably hear an adorable squeaking sound.
And it's not just local districts' tourism boards.
There are official mascots for everything.
Some cities have dozens of mascots.
This is Noruran, a mascot for a train line.
And this is Katakkuri-chan, the mascot
for a notorious Japanese prison.
That's right.
Their prisons have mascots.
And you've got to admit, The Shawshank Redemption
would be a very different movie if every now and then
that thing was walking around in the background.
That's a different film.
That's a very different film.
And the thing is, mascots can be big business.
Just look at Kumamon, one area's lovable bear mascot.
He has brought in an estimated $1.2 billion
over two years.
And if you're wondering why, take a look at this.
(woman singing)
That's it.
I am done interacting with humans now.
If you ever want to talk to me,
wear a Kumamon outfit or get the fuck out.
And the thing-- he's not even the most popular.
That title goes to Funassyi,
a giant genderless pear
representing the city of Funabashi.
And not only does Funassyi hold press conferences,
he does some pretty incredible TV appearances.
Let me show you just one.
(screaming)
I don't know--
I don't know why anyone is still watching this show
or any other show now that they know that that video exists somewhere.
Mascots have become such a feature
of political life in Japan that foreign embassies
are even being compelled to play along.
Reporter: The Israeli embassy in Japan
has unveiled its new mascot to the public--
a parrot holding an olive branch named Shaloum-chan.
Man: I believe some Japanese will see Israel like this character.
Look, people see Israel a lot of different ways.
But I don't think there is anyone on Earth
that sees it as that character.
But that just proves the power
mascots have to reach out and engage people.
Although, not all are instantaneously lovable.
For example, the prefecture of Nara
is represented by Sento-kun,
a shirtless boy creature with antlers on his head
who looks like the result of Andre Agassi fucking a reindeer.
Or--
or there's the objectively terrifying Melon Kuma,
an angry bear with a melon for a head
who represents Yubari.
Now let's watch a local school visit
going exactly how you'd imagine it would.
(shouting)
(children crying)
What did they think was going to happen?
It's got bloody teeth and a melon for a head!
The problem is,
the sheer scale of publicly-funded mascots has become a problem.
Last year, the Japanese Finance Ministry
tried to crack down on them, describing some
as a waste of public funds, which is ridiculous.
Because not only should Japan not be cutting back,
we, in America, should be creating our own mascots
to engage people with government agencies.
In fact, I'll do some for you right now.
If you want the embodiment of justice,
forget about that boring blindfolded lady.
Let me introduce you to Scales The Blind Iguana.
You need someone to make Immigration and Customs Enforcement
a bit friendlier? Well, meet Hamilton, The Pig In A Sailor Hat.
Look out, he's coming to de-pork you.
And, you know, for the Department of Health and Human Services,
you could have, I don't know, a creepy baby doll
with Hulk hands wearing a tutu.
To be fair, that is no weirder than most Japanese mascots,
and it's just as memorable.
And, look, I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking, "John, this is all very well,
"but the Japanese put their money where their mouth is
and they make these mascots."
Well, let me ask you this.
Have we ever let you down before?
We have made mascots
for 11 government agencies.
Would you like to meet them all?
(audience cheers) I can't hear you.
Would you like to meet them all?
Let's do this! Dim the lights!
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome your 2015 government agencies.
From the Department of Justice, Scales The Blind Iguana!
From Immigration and Customs Enforcement,
Hamilton The Pig!
And of course, from the HHS,
Creepy Baby With Hulk Hands In A Tutu!
Oh, but ladies and gentlemen,
we're just getting started.
From the Department of Transportation,
please welcome Stunk The Steampunk Skunk!
She loves trains!
And from the National Security Agency,
it's Hoots The NSA Owl!
He just wants to know "hooo" you've been talking to.
From the TSA, it's Spike The Hedgehog,
who collects four-ounce bottles of shampoo
and Swiss Army knives.
Spike, did you need to take all those?
I can't stay mad at you, Spike.
And next, from the Department of Energy,
Ram Jam The Dancing Ram!
He's got so much energy, he never stops dancing!
How's it going there, Ram Jam?
How's it going?
Of course it's going well. He loves it.
And don't think we've forgotten about
the Department of Agriculture or NASA.
We've got a soybean and a space gecko just for them.
Plus, representing the Bureau of Alcohol,
Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives,
here is acclaimed character actor Bob Balaban!
And finally,
from the Dep-- he's actually here.
And finally, from the Department of the Treasury,
please say hi to Cornelius, The Illuminati Pyramid!
It has an eyeball at the top of it.
So that's it.
This is your 2015 government agencies!
Look at them dance!
Look at them dance, America!
You cannot be apathetic
about what you're looking at here.
If you don't feel the importance
of government agencies right now,
I just don't think I can help you.
That's our show.
Good night. Join us next week.
Farewell!
(techno music playing)
* Let's rock.